Stray Cat Strut
Phil and Zoe join you for a very important, kitten-related outing. Cast * Phil Cheeseman * Nadia Al Hanaki * Zoe Crick * Darren Plot Three Kittens At A Time Phil explains that a caller has requested that Radio Cabel finds a home for some kittens. Nadia has a note which may help find info about the missing residents. The Odds Are Astronomical Zoe and Phil are struggling, since their post-apocalyptic lifestyles rarely require running. Nadia asks about the kittens to distract them from the zombie smell. One Way To Find Out Phil spots a van approaching being driven by a man in a yellow jacket and wonders whether this has anything to do with Van Ark’s annotations. Eccles Cake? Phil admires the blue flowers as Nadia spots someone running towards you; introductions are made, and Darren invites you all in for a cup of tea. The Zoms Won't Attack It transpires that Darren never had any kittens, and is an avid fan Zoe. He reveals that zombies never attack the warehouses, and offers to show you how. Just One Date Everyone is taken aback as you cross the hedge border and the previously salivating zombies immediately turn docile. He offers Zoe a map of the area in return for a date. Transcript PHIL CHEESEMAN: Runner Five, over here! NADIA AL HANAKI: Great, we can get started. ZOE CRICK: Thank God. Phil was just about explain his theory that James Bond is actually a job title and not a name. PHIL CHEESEMAN: No, honestly, it makes perfect sense. He works for the Secret Service, so code name - ZOE CRICK: Sorry, was I not sufficiently clear about the fact that I’m not interested? NADIA AL HANAKI: Okay, Runner Five, Sam asked if you could tag along with Phil and Zoe today. You’re all headed in the same direction, so it makes sense to share an operator. ZOE CRICK: And with me and Phil here, he can be confident Nadia’s not going to try to kill you! laughs … What I meant to say was, it’s a lovely sign of Sam’s renewed faith in Nadia that he’s left her in charge of Runner Five today. PHIL CHEESEMAN: We really appreciate you helping us out with this frankly ridiculous outing, Nadia! ZOE CRICK: There’s nothing ridiculous about kittens. PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yes, some random radio caller says she needs a home for a stray litter. Sounds a bit dodgy to me. ZOE CRICK: Strangers offer to show you puppies, not give you kittens. Anyway, Kirsty’s got a whole animal sanctuary. We’ll do a report on it for our listeners. It’ll be great! NADIA AL HANAKI: So, as you can see, Five, this is a really crucial mission you’ve joined. Unlike yours, which Sam said is something to do with those Van Ark files you found in Dedlock territory. There’s a map notation for this area, possible lead on Comansys. Might help us find all our lost people. Much less important than kittens, obviously. Okay, guys, we’ve had reports of a few shamblers in the corn fields around here. And yeah, here they are, staggering towards that hedge. Shift up a gear, guys. PHIL CHEESEMAN: Still don’t see why I had to come. ZOE CRICK: Because I can only carry two or three kittens at a time! moan ZOE CRICK: You know, the name “shamblers” sort of implies slow movement? PHIL CHEESEMAN: Ugh, I can smell them! NADIA AL HANAKI: Don’t panic, guys! There’s a footbridge coming up that will get you clear. Most shamblers can’t deal with stairs. Five’ll bring up the rear and fight off any zoms that get too close, right, Five? So, what are you planning to do with all those kittens? PHIL CHEESEMAN: What? NADIA AL HANAKI: The kittens. Who’s going to look after them? PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh, uh, Zoe wants to have a competition so we can give them away to our listeners. zombies splatter ZOE CRICK: Jesus! NADIA AL HANAKI: It’s just Five picking off a couple of zoms. What sort of competition? ZOE CRICK: I thought we could have one person on every week to play live. We’ll get them to roll six dice, and if we get six sixes, they win a kitten. PHIL CHEESEMAN: Six sixes? laughs The odds of getting two sixes are one in thirty-six, and uh, three sixes is um, uh, one in two hundred and sixteen. Four sixes is one in over a thousand - ZOE CRICK: I don’t see your problem. PHIL CHEESEMAN: The odds are astronomical. It’s about one in forty thousand! ZOE CRICK: So we would have to keep all the kittens for ourselves! PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh, I see. NADIA AL HANAKI: And here’s the footbridge now. Up you go. footsteps NADIA AL HANAKI: Okay, guys, you’re clear of the zoms, but what’s that noise I’m getting through your mics? ZOE CRICK: I think it’s an engine? PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yeah. Look, there’s a van coming. NADIA AL HANAKI: I’m getting it on your headcams now. It’s not one of ours. You’d better get behind the hedge, just in case. rustles, engine runs PHIL CHEESEMAN: Did you see that? The driver was wearing a yellow jacket. ZOE CRICK: And in China that’s considered unlucky? PHIL CHEESEMAN: Don’t you remember our second “Myth or Mistake” episode? ZOE CRICK: “Nonsense or Zom-sense”? PHIL CHEESEMAN: Exactly. ZOE CRICK: No, I have no memory of it. PHIL CHEESEMAN: Uh, the one where Sam Yao was on. He was talking about what was going on in other bits of the country. They said there’s a militia in the southwest who all wear these bright yellow uniforms. Not the Dedlocks, though we thought they might be related because of the color. ZOE CRICK: Yellow jackets like in “Hi-de-Hi!”? PHIL CHEESEMAN: Yeah! Only more shooty. Apparently his runners had started seeing some of them around here. NADIA AL HANAKI: What do you think, Five? Any chance that’s what Van Ark’s map note was about? ZOE CRICK: Only one way to find out. Come on, we’re nearly there. PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh, great. PHIL CHEESEMAN: This is not how I visualized an animal sanctuary. These buildings are more like warehouses. ZOE CRICK: Think of all the kittens you could fit in one of those. PHIL CHEESEMAN: Aw! Nice hedge, though. Look at all those wildflowers! I can see peonies and tobacco – I think those blue ones someone’s picked might be night-scented stock. ZOE CRICK: You are such a girl. PHIL CHEESEMAN: Uh, one of us has to be. NADIA AL HANAKI: Careful, guys. You’ve been spotted. I can see someone running towards you from the warehouses. ZOE CRICK: Oh, that’ll be Kirsty. She was up all last night nursing a tabby with sniffles. shouts Hey, Kirsty! PHIL CHEESEMAN: It’s a man. Well, a teenager. NADIA AL HANAKI: You’ve still got your gun handy, haven’t you, Five? ZOE CRICK: I’m not having shots fired near my kittens. Oh, look, he’s waving. Maybe he’s Kirsty’s son. Though she didn’t mention a son… footsteps DARREN: Hello. PHIL CHEESEMAN: Hullo! I’m Phil, this is Zoe, and this is Runner Five from Abel. DARREN: Oh, right. PHIL CHEESEMAN: What’s your name? DARREN: Darren. PHIL CHEESEMAN: Uh, we’re looking for Misses Banks. ZOE CRICK: Kirsty? Kirsty Banks? Is she your mum? DARREN: Yeah. Yeah, that’s right. Do you want a cup of tea? It’s this way. PHIL CHEESEMAN: He’s a bit, um - ZOE CRICK: Come on, I’m gasping for a cuppa. And Kirsty says she bakes a great Eccles cake. You got any of your mum’s Eccles cakes, Darren? DARREN: Quickly, I have to be back inside in three minutes. ZOE CRICK: I’ll take that as a yes. footsteps radio: “We’ll be back with more of your stories after this.” beeping PHIL CHEESEMAN: What was that? DARREN: Oh, just um, disabling the burglar alarm. Here you are, Zoe. Builder’s, just like you wanted. ZOE CRICK: Thank you. PHIL CHEESEMAN: … I’ll just help myself, then. What about you, Runner Five? Want a custard cream? They’re only six months past their date. ZOE CRICK: Do you and your mum work here, Darren? DARREN: Yeah. ZOE CRICK: What is it you do? DARREN: I record the deliveries, and every three months I do a stock take. I write it all down in a book. ZOE CRICK: I see. Kirsty didn’t say anything about that. What is it that you’re storing here? DARREN: Do you like books? ZOE CRICK: Some books. DARREN: You said you liked Pride and Prejudice. ZOE CRICK: What? DARREN: I’ve got Wuthering Heights. You can have it, if you want. ZOE CRICK: You’ve heard our radio show. DARREN: Yeah! You’re really funny. ZOE CRICK: Uh, thanks. So, you’re a regular listener? DARREN: I listen all the time. Do you like chocolates? I’ve saved a box for you. opens ZOE CRICK: Darren. DARREN: The corner got bashed, but they’re good, not cheap ones. ZOE CRICK: Why is there a yellow jacket hanging up in your cupboard? DARREN: They left it there. ZOE CRICK: Who left it there? DARREN: One of the drivers. ZOE CRICK: Darren, did you call the radio station and pretend to be Kirsty? Because I noticed that your voice, if you spoke a bit higher and slower, could be… Darren. DARREN: Uh. ZOE CRICK: Did you just want to meet me? DARREN: You’re funny, and you have a sexy voice, and you did it with Joe McSweeney behind the - ZOE CRICK: So there are no goddamn kittens?! NADIA AL HANAKI: Guys, I’ve got zoms stumbling up from the woods, and no sign of Comansys, which was the whole point of this mission. I think it’s time to go. ZOE CRICK: Too bloody right! footsteps DARREN: You’re leaving? PHIL CHEESEMAN: There’s a bunch of zoms closing in. You might want to scarper, too. ZOE CRICK: But not with us. DARREN: No, wait! ZOE CRICK: Consider yourself lucky I didn’t kick you in the nuts! DARREN: No, listen! The zoms won’t attack. They never attack here. My bosses have fixed it so they stay away. I can show you! ZOE CRICK: If you think I’m going to believe another word you say - NADIA AL HANAKI: Wait. This could be very important, if he’s telling the truth. DARREN: We’ve got to be quick. They make me send a signal every hour letting them know I haven’t bunked off, and that I’ve not had any trouble. If I don’t enter the code in time, they’ll know something’s up. Come on, we need to pick up some zombies. PHIL CHEESEMAN: Pick them up? DARREN: You’ll see. groan PHIL CHEESEMAN: Can I just point out that we’ve deliberately gone and got a whole bloody horde of zoms to chase after us on the say-so of a teenage fantasist? ZOE CRICK: Oh, God. I don’t think I can keep going much longer. What the hell were you thinking, Darren? What the hell was I thinking? DARREN: It’s okay, Zoe. I wouldn’t put you in danger. We’re going to be fine, look! NADIA AL HANAKI: Wow, that is weird. One minute, they’re chasing after you, salivating at the thought of fresh human flesh, and now they’re just milling about by that hedge. It’s like they’ve gone all docile. PHIL CHEESEMAN: So we can stop running now? DARREN: You can walk right up to them. They won’t do anything, not as long as you’re standing here. Every time they come, my bosses put something all around the perimeter, but I don’t know what it is. They make me go inside while they do it. ZOE CRICK: Right. Well, thank you for your assistance, Darren. I’m sure our people will be in touch. DARREN: No, wait! I’ve got a map. I nicked it from them. I know where they come from, where they bring the stuff from. I can show you! PHIL CHEESEMAN: Well, go on then, show us. DARREN: Yeah, but, I mean, I’m not going to just give it to you, am I? I could get in trouble. ZOE CRICK: sighs What do you want? … Oh, no! Forget it! DARREN: Just one date, go on! ZOE CRICK: He lied to me, and pretended to be a middle-aged woman called Kirsty. With kittens! NADIA AL HANAKI: We do really need that map, Zoe. PHIL CHEESEMAN: back laughter Yeah, you could do worse. If you’ve done worse? Some women like ginger hair and freckles. And spots. ZOE CRICK: Fine. There’s a disused sewage works, it’ll be just perfect for our date. DARREN: A sewage works? ZOE CRICK: Someone heard meowing there the other day and I want to check it out. You owe me kittens. Now give us that map. Category:Mission Category:Season Three